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Thursday, September 29 i feel even more emo than last night. you know how when you think somebody likes you so it makes you like them even if youre not like googoo over them? i think thats how it is. i got this inkling that perhaps he likes me but he still treats me like crap. that makes girls go crazy! seriously. we were talking about that at work tonite. (which i love! by the way). that whenever someone you like treats you like crap it makes you like them so much more becuase you have to work at it. maybe the whole thing is a game. i dont know. cause ive been thinking. hes not really that hot, and he really doesn't have a great personality. but he is mean to me. and hes decent looking. not like OMG, but bangable. and not to sound conceited, but i can usually make guys like me pretty easily. and now it isnt happening that easy and i think thats why the attraction is there. because i feel jealous. because he has a bunch of other girls and im not getting all the attention. im thinking thats my problem with kevin. theres no jealousy at all. its all aimee all the time. and yes i mean all the time. its like i have no time to myself or anything. he knows where i am at all times. hes clingy. im really thinking now that i wanna be single for real. like, if i wanted to have a whole other boyfriend, i could. because i do. i want to experience new things. i dont wanna miss out. i dont just wanna be in an open relationship, because i cant really have a relationship with anyone else. it just sorta gives me permission to be a whore. which i don't want to be. everyone seems to think that me and ben are gonna bang. i dont want people to think that way. i dont want to think that way. i dont want to bang everyone i think is hot. i just want to live. i want to be a real teenager. i want to have month long relationships. i want kisses in the hallway in between classes. i want to be happy. i dont know. today was really fun. i liked everyone i worked with today. plus it was an odd day. i <3 those. after work was a lot of fun. just hanging out with lauren. were hanging out tomorrow after i get off work. well i have to pee. good night. eighmi338 at 09/29/05 23:23 :: comments Wednesday, September 28 im using this blog again. my first entry was today - 2 years ago. i signed up for a xanga. but its dumb. i missed this blog really. its great. and so bloggy. and my profile is so amazing. i needed somewhere to be open. i know absolutely no one will read this. cause no one did before. so i dont care. i dont wanna sound all emo art fag, but ive been thinking about my life a lot lately. its so weird. what if all my plans totally change? what if i dont graduate? and when kevins away at college i find someone else? technically right now were not going out, but nothings really changed. i'm just not happy anymore. i haven't been. but i know hes so just so great. he cares about me more than anyone. he'd do anything for me. i just don't feel happy.i really do love him and i want to be his best friend. but its like when he touches me i don't even feel it. we never have sex anymore. he always wants to. but i never do. hes my best friend and i love him SO much. i'm just not sure about the attraction. romantically and sexually. i want to know what it'd feel like to have another boyfriend. kevin was my first serious boyfriend. and we went out for like a year and a half. it was great at first and all. i just want to experience other things. and i know it would totally kill him. i know i can't live my life for him, but i really care about him and i don't know what to do. i'm thinking i like this one kid now. i don't know. hes like in love with this other girl though. and he sorta seems whorish. like if i ever went out with him he'd cheat on me. i don't want somebody to bang. i'm done with sex for a while. the more you do the more people lose respect for you. like this guy for example. i'm pretty sure hes been with a lot of girls. so if i were to ever persue anything, i wouldn't feel special. i wouldn't feel like he actually cared about me. because he just does it with so many people. i think everyone thinks i'm a slut. the way i see it, as soon as you have sex with more than one person youre not a... pure? person anymore. i don't count that one night though. we were both like freshly single. i don't think we really knew how to handle things. i had liked him for a while. but i sorta regret it. no, i don't regret anything. it was definately a learning experience. i really hate that i keep thinking about this new guy. i doubt he feels the same way. and hes not the "type" of guy i want to like. he doesnt have a job, or a car (he made me drive him to the girls house that he likes.), i think he drinks a lot. and i don't know. because i really don't know what my type is. because i've never been able to experience ANYTHING. i don't know what to do. i hate feeling this emo. i really do. eighmi338 at 09/28/05 22:45 :: comments | |||
